Annie Goods

DART Advocate/Winn Parish

Do you recognize any of these excuses in yourself or someone close to you?

Excuse #1: “It doesn’t happen all the time.” This is the most confounding things about abuse. Those who abuse rarely are abusive 24/7. They may even be over-the-top romantics the first time you meet them (which is often love bombing). An abuser may pretend he or she never abused you. They may never acknowledge their abuse or argue against your memory of it this is called gaslighting. You may be convinced it was just a one-time thing that won’t happen again. In between abusive incidents, everything may appear calm on the surface of your relationship. Yet, the difference between an occasional argument and abuse is that a survivor of abuse will usually feel uneasy at all times even the seemingly calm periods. This is why it’s important to listen to your gut. Do you dread going home? Are you afraid to talk to your partner about pretty much anything? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells at all times. These can be serious red flags.

Excuse #2: “But he’s never hit me.” Abuse can take many forms, not just physical hitting, shoving, kicking, throwing things, punching the wall, strangulation. Abuse can be psychological, mental or emotional. It can look like bullying, name-calling, lying, gaslighting, shaming or embarrassing a partner on purpose, and isolation from friends and family. Once they realize a survivor is trapped, abusers often escalate their abuse from nonphysical forms to physical violence. It’s important to remember it’s never too early (or too late) to set boundaries with a partner.

Excuse #3: “Other people endure worse than this.” The comparison game is an easy one to play,

but it’s not helpful. If a friend came to you and disclosed that their partner was abusing them, would you tell them, “You can handle it, someone undoubtedly has it worse’? Of course not. So why tell yourself that? Everyone deserves to feel safe with their partner. And not just sometimes, but at all times. Abuse is not a sliding scale there is no excuse for one incident just there’s no excuse for years of control and intimidation.

Excuse #4: ”He’s so romantic/caring/attentive when he’s not angry.” Love-bombing is when the abuser showers the survivor in gifts or feigns interest in everything the survivor likes in order to create a false sense of deep connection. “This inability to trust can ruin love in a way because love gets associated with abuse and control. The reason why the control is so effective, especially in the beginning, is because (the Survivor) is given a love like they’ve never experienced before,” Talia Bombola, certified psychodynamic therapist out Newport Beach, tells DomesticShelters.org.