By Annie Goods, DART Advocate/ Winn Parish
Do you recognize any of these excuses in yourself or someone close to you?
Excuse #1: “He can’t help it-he had a traumatic childhood.” Unfortunately, enduring abuse in childhood does increase one’s risk for becoming abusive as an adult or becoming a victim of
abuse. But childhood trauma or not -being abusive toward a partner is a choice. Most survivors of childhood trauma choose not to abuse others.
Excuse #2: “This will be better after we have a baby.” Who wouldn’t soften at the sight of a baby? Unfortunately, an abusive partner who feels entitled to all of their partner’s attention, that’s who. Statistics show that pregnancy escalates an abusive partner’s power and control tactics. Some experts say it’s because pregnancy isn’t something the abuser can control, which then leads to an abuser tightening their control where they can. This might mean blocking their
partner from getting proper prenatal care, physically abusing the partner to try and lose the pregnancy, sexually abusing the partner while pregnant, or something else equally horrific. Abuse during pregnancy has been shown to lead to higher rates of miscarriage. If someone is abusing you and you become pregnant, consider reaching out to a domestic violence advocate as soon as possible to learn more about abuse during pregnancy and to create a safety plan.
Excuse #3: “He’s only like this when he drinks.” Once he gets sober, it’ll stop. Someone once said that an abuser who stops drinking is just a sober abuser. While alcohol can definitely increase the frequency, duration or severity of abuse, drinking does not cause an otherwise safe partner to just begin abusing their partner out of nowhere. But many abusers will use the alcohol excuse to minimize their abusive choices or to guilt a survivor into staying with them until they can “get better.”
Excuse #4: “I can lose my temper too.” I think we’re both at fault. Many survivors question or berate themselves for reacting to an abuser in the moment. A survivor may yell back or even fight back when abused. This reaction is not the same as being abusive. Abuse is a calculated pattern of power and control- it’s not losing one’s temper every so often. Mutual abuse, or the idea that two parties in a relationship can be abusive simultaneously, is widely regarded by experts and advocates as false. “Mutual abuse” is more often than not weaponized as a type of victim-blaming. With domestic violence, one partner is abusive and one partner is reacting to that abuse. A survivor has every right to defend themselves against an abuser.
Excuse #5: “No one else will ever love me so I may as well stay with them.” This is simply not true. I don’t even know you, reader who is reading this. But I can tell you it isn’t true. Many abusers will use guilt. Shame and degradation to tear down a survivor’s self-esteem so much that they believe this to be true. This is a classic brainwashing tactic. One could make a broader point here about how we’ve all gen ingrained with this belief that we must be paired up to have worth in the world and how being alone and loving yourself is truly the most important relationship of our lives, but that might sound a little to woo-woo to some people. Regardless, consider your options of this is truly your belief, would you rather live a life feeling controlled and unsafe with an abuser who does not love you if they’re abusive toward you, no matter what they say or would you rather live a life on your own terms, free from control and harm? Therapy for yourself can also help you rebuild your self-worth and self-esteem to battle past the false narratives an abuser has built.
Excuse #6: “I can’t tell anyone my girlfriend/wife is abusing me…I just need to ‘man-up’.” Men, I hate to break it to you, but you are not immune to domestic violence. And there is no “manning up” in the world that will make your life with an abusive partner feel ok. The Department of Justice estimates at least 835,000 men are physically assaulted by intimate partners every year. This number doesn’t account for men who endure nonphysical types of abuse such as verbal, emotional or financial abuse. While it is rarer for men to be abused by a partner than women, and thus, there is a stigma a male survivor can feel when reaching out for help, it shouldn’t stop a man from establishing healthy boundaries with a partner who’s abusing them. It may help for you to read about male survivors like Gus and Ron who overcame abuse and now are supporting other survivors.